And...Exhale

I received a spam comment on my blog today, urging me to write more.

I call it spam, because it was followed by a link to HCG pills. The kick in the booty was still needed, however; I have been too wrapped up in myself to give this blog any lovin'.

So, strap in—this is going to be a long one, written much more for my cathartic benefit than for your reading enjoyment.

Family

My sister Julie (above, in the purple shirt) is leaving Utah to go to Cornell in one week. My sisters Kellie (in the white) and Shelley (in the pink stripes) are officially moving to Buenos Aires at the beginning of September. Mix those pieces of news with the fact that one of my BFFs Kelsae (of the blog Total Trainwreck) has already left Utah for Idaho, and I am a devastated panda.

My Grandpa Chatfield had this weird habit when visiting family members were leaving his house—he would vanish. We couldn't really say goodbye to him, because we couldn't even find him. My dad explained to us that my grandpa was so grief-stricken at our departure that he couldn't bear to see us off.

Guess who inherited that pesky trait?

There are also other tough things going on in my family that are tough to handle. Frankly, the only thing that assuages that pain is that we all still get along famously; each member of the family loves the other, and we all wish we could be together more. Compare that to my husband's quarreling family members, and the Chatfield troubles don't seem so bad.

Self Image

My six wedding anniversary is nigh, and I am having a crisis of self.

When I look in the mirror, at my heaviest-ever weight and my Don't Need to Impress Anyone beauty regime, I feel worthless. Even worse than my appearance is that I am feeling the physical aches and pains of being overweight; I can't ever remember being so constantly winded and completely run-down all the time. The physical ailments concern me more than the mirror aspect, but the latter is still palpable in my moments of loathing.

I also look at my life, compared to when Caleb and I first met, and wonder if I still am the girl that Caleb fell in love with. That girl was willing to try a lot more, stay up much later, and be a ton sillier than I am now. When I factor in my two young kids, my heartfelt blogging, and my constant kid-friendly adventuring, I cut myself some slack. But when faced with squabbles over eye-rolling (I just don't get all the Star Wars love!) and differing interests (I am incredibly anti-World of Warcraft [in terms of time spent v. tangible worldwide benefit]), I am concerned that I am turning into the stereotypical embittered biddy. And I'm not even 30 yet!

Generality

And of course, it's hard to feel anything but numb after things like the Colorado movie shooting happens. I found myself peering at everyone who was in the aquarium with us today—are my children safe, even if I'm around? Will people treat them the way I want them treated when I'm not around?

Jack told me today that he didn't want to go to school, because then all of his teeth would fall out; somewhere in our recent discussion of growing teeth, our wires got crossed. I would much rather him be afraid of school for that reason, than for being scared of other kids or adults he doesn't know. I have enough stranger fear for the both of us.


What I am trying to say here is: I'm feeling incredibly down. And this blog isn't a place to spread that.

Snapshots

Jacko and Lucy on their first Trax ride to downtown SLC

On my playlist: After giving away the Ryan Innes EP this weekend, I have had him on endless repeat.

On my plate: Steamed broccoli and a Prime Rib Dip from Red Robin. I need to start honoring my meal plan from my friend Cori again, since being sick totally threw me off.

On my reading list: I put Mindy Kaling's book "Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?" on hold at the library. I'm also a tad frustrated because there is a book that I keep telling myself that I need to get, but every time I am actually at a book vendor, I forget what the book is. Forgetfulness, anyone? ...Anyone? ...What?

On my TV: Caleb and I have been rewatching How I Met Your Mother, which is heavenly. We have also been watching Duets (ehhhh), Next Food Network Star, and So You Think You Can Dance.

On my wishlist: Giving everyone the contents of my etsy favorites list. I love shopping for things I know other people will love.

On my mind: My thoughts have been really introspective lately, as a few newsworthy things have happened in the realm of SSA-LDS. What do I believe? How will I conduct myself personally? Ultimately, how do I support people I love and still stay true to myself? It's all been an interesting mental ride; I have again affirmed my spiritual beliefs and reconciled many pertinent topics within that.

I also have been thinking about tiny kids dancing, as Caleb and I went to see the movie Battlefield America last night (think You Got Served, child-style).

Thanks to Vanessa at Little Gray Pixel for the Snapshots idea.

Happy Easter!

Chatfield/Bird clan, circa 2003

Happy Easter to all.

Our Easter egg hunt went well this morning; the Easter bunny showered the kids with jellybeans, M&Ms, and Skittles. The morning events have been oh-so-casual and secular. We will celebrate more religiously later today.

Angry Holiday Faces

I made the grave mistake of agreeing to get some last-minute Thanksgiving groceries today. So grievous an error has never been made.

I have never encountered a meaner, more anxiety-filled batch of Wal-Mart patrons than I did today. I counted seven different people honking angrily in the parking lot before we even made it into the store! Once we got inside, the usual spaces were parking lots in themselves; people gritted their teeth and gathered their carts around the potatoes, the pumpkin pie, and the rolls. Specific spaces were emptied out on the shelves and only some aisles were three carts wide. I will admit that it was a bit harrowing for me.

But it made it all worth it when I misunderstood something a stranger mouthed to me.

We pulled our cart into one of the cashier lanes; the man in front of us got a belt divider and placed it behind his groceries. I said to him loudly, "Oh, thank you so much!" And he inaudibly responded:

"I love you."

Or maybe he just said "You're welcome" or "Thank you" or "Happy holidays."

I will never know, but I do know that he made my nightmarish pre-Thanksgiving shopping trip memorable.

Do you have any horror stories about shopping for Thanksgiving?

Or are you more of a Black Friday shopper?

Down the Parenting Rabbit Hole

This was me before kids. I was having fun—minus the husband and children and "adult life" I had heard about. I knew I wanted to get there someday; I had a vision for my life and it included all of those things. No kids meant a lot more free time, money, and focus on personal projects. I chose that life at the time. I knew I would choose another kind of life later.

After I had Jack, I was still having fun. Yes, I was dealing with postpartum depression and an unexpected pregnancy when he was three months old. But I was experiencing a new way of living and appreciating the things I had. My professional responsibilities changed, as did my household habits. I envied my friends who were traveling the world and attending post-graduate courses. But I was living the life I had chosen.

After the miscarriage of my second pregnancy, I was not having fun. I couldn't deal with the guilt of not having this unplanned baby, even if I had no control over the outcome. I not-so-secretly raged over my friends having babies while I was stuck mourning; the fact that I already had a baby did not make my miscarriage any easier. I had to literally stop my life while I adjusted to this heartbreak. That was how I chose to conduct my life at the time.

After having Lucy, I was back to having fun. Having two kids was more difficult than having just one, but I knew that I could handle it. Since having two kids, I have been more productive in achieving my life goals and making myself a better person, removed from the children. I am not employed outside the home; writing "Homemaker" on official documents is still odd to me. The fact that I lack a job does not make me feel any less valuable to society. I push myself to my limits every day, not only because of the children, but because I want to. I chose it. I choose it.

My hope is that even if I had stayed childless, I would have been a good version of myself by the time I was 26. I am a pretty good version now, if I do say so myself. Choosing to become a parent, especially a stay-at-home parent, can be considered a controversial move in a world where zero population is an accepted philosophy. I did not choose it to be controversial, though those that know me would say that I tend to do things like that. I chose it because I knew what I wanted for my life.

If I have ever said anything thoughtless or rude to you non-parents out there, I apologize. I try to be sensitive and understanding without stepping on egg shells around you. Having people talk to you like they're going through a mine field is the worst. To those parents out there who have been upset by any parent-on-parent abuse I have caused, I offer my deepest regrets. Each parenting situation is different and practically unknowable to the people outside the immediate family.

This particular thought process was brought to you by the article 10 Things Not to Say to Your Childfree Friends. The article itself is a good reminder to not be a thoughtless jerk to people, but the comments below it sent me into a tailspin. Parents claiming that the article was worthless, non-parents claiming that "breeders" are worthless, and people desirous of becoming parents feeling scorned populated that section. Each comment reminded me that I want to be the best Holly I can be, whether that means the best parent or the best friend or the best wife. And each hurt feeling or angry thought expressed reminded me that every person can be full of good attributes and worthy of respect.

Parent or not, I know a lot of dang good people. I even prefer some non-parents to their parent counterparts. And ultimately, I choose to like the people I like regardless of their birthing status. I hope they like me, too.

A Small Note on Current Events

On the inauguration day of President Barack Obama, I tweeted:

So in love with my baby boy and President Obama. 2009 is going to be a great year!

Jack wasn't even a month old, and he sat with me while we watched the newly-minted president get sworn in. While I am not trying to push politics on anyone (since I know I hate getting them pushed on me!), I think it is important to note that anyone who holds the office of the President of the United States deserves respect and at least a little admiration for dealing with the stresses and important decisions the highest office in the land presents. I did vote for Barack Obama. I did not care for President Bush's politics in general, but I am glad that he started the search for Osama bin Laden in a time of national uncertainty and fear.

I say all of this because my first notice that Osama bin Laden was killed yesterday was a text message from my sister-in-law Britni, saying "Turn on CNN! Obama is dead!"

I was lucky to be sitting on the ground at the time, because even then I had to grab my friend Kelsae's hand to steady myself. Caleb rushed to turn on the television. I cowered, while thoughts of the who/why/how of the president's death raced through my head. As we landed on the first channel that would carry such breaking news, it was discovered that it was actually Osama who was dead, not Obama. The entire room heaved a collective sigh and were glad that such a heinous man was no longer alive. We debated whether or not the shouting and cheering being shown was necessary, we talked about how long almost ten years since 9/11 has felt, and we began to talk about some of the larger ideologies of American politics.

After the news sank in, I realized that President Obama symbolizes something much more to me than the general ideas of America or Powerful or Democrat. Because he was elected president not long before I had my first child, Barack Obama is part of what was a whole new beginning in my life. If he really had been killed, my feelings of loss would have been quite deep, but also quite selfish.

This American victory also runs quite deeply in my heart. I am proud of the armed forces who have been fighting for my freedoms since bin Laden ordered the attacks on my country. I am inspired by the long-suffering families of military men and women. I am glad that President Obama is alive, and I am glad that I am alive.