Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Surprise of a Different Kind: From 5/11/09

This blog post is from before our ultrasound; things were still very up in the air.

I'm spotting. Almost every pee adventure for a week.

The first couple days were spent with my "What to Expect When You're Expecting," alternately poring over the sections on safe pregnancy spotting and what to do when you miscarry. The safe spotting paragraphs pointed out that many women spot during their pregnancies (some for days, weeks or even an entire pregnancy) and still have healthy babies. The miscarriage section stresses that pain accompanies the bleeding, and if a consultation with your physician has been made and an ultrasound scheduled, then that's all that can be done.

The rest of the days have been languishing in a sea of angst, denial, and sheer panic. But all of this has been done in silence, since Caleb has banned all miscarriage talk until after the ultrasound (which is Wednesday afternoon). He says that it will be easier this way. I revolted and told him last night through my tears that I get the constant reminder through my toilet paper, so why shouldn't I be able to express my fear?

I'm 12 weeks along. 12 weeks and 1 day. My baby is supposed to be the size of a lime.

And that brings all sorts of questions to my mind: What if The Big Stuff happens before my ultrasound? How will I react at the ultrasound when we don't see the flashing light of a heartbeat? Will I be able to function well enough after to take care of my already-born son? Who will I be able to open up to about it, so I can have some support?

These next couple of days are going to be so long and very filled with tears and blankness. And the days after that, should things go sour? God willing, they'll be accompanied by some buoying heavenly powers.

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