Learning to Love

Nowadays, the only time I really get to be alone with my thoughts is when I shower on the weekends.

Each weekday shower is taken with the bathroom door slightly ajar, in case the kids need to yell something to me or I have to verbally regulate some sort of altercation between them. On the weekends when Caleb is home, I feel comfortable closing the door and taking a slightly longer shower than normal.

This weekend, I was able to take stock of what was going on in the lives of those I love. There are a ton of good things going on for them, but I was also hit with a hard truth:

There are many traumatic, life-altering things going on also.

Below is a list of my family's difficulties that have arisen within the last year. Each one is specific to one member of my family or another—there are no repeats and no generalizations.

• Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis
• Severe Anxiety Disorder diagnosis
• Child abuse
• Being in six-figure debt that had previously been hidden
• Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis
• Sexual predator encounters
• A pediatric benign cranial lump
• Borrowing $60,000 to make a single payment
• Suicidal thoughts and a long-term inpatient clinic stay

I am one degree away from each of these instances. This list isn't culled from second cousins or long-lost uncles—I can say that these are only an arm's length away from me in the family tree.

And that thought supremely bummed me out.

Even just one of these situations could rock a family to its core. Why have the last twelve months brought about so many hardships to some of my favorite people? Not to mention my own monthly PMDD visit, as well as my daily medication reminder of it.

What could I do to alleviate the suffering all around me? These things aren't the worldwide, complex problems that seem a million light years away. It's all here. It's all now.

When I got out of the shower, my head was cloudy. I had dazed myself into a state of worry and hopelessness; I started to wish that all of these things had happened to me, so that I would at least be able to save my family their constant struggles. I brushed my hair and my teeth, burdened by the weight of my worry.

I mindlessly flipped on some music in the bathroom. And as fate would have it, a Jason Mraz song that I've rarely listened to came on.

As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we'll got a lot to go around
I'll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you
And I'll keep reminding
If it's the only thing I ever do
I will always love you

All I can do is love these people. My undying support and my constant care are the only things I have to make their situations better.

So, that's what I will keep doing.