Monday, June 6, 2011

Stop Me If You've Heard This Whining Before...

When it comes to whining, I do my fair share. I don't like how I look, I don't like the choices people make, I don't like the current weather (whether it be rain or snow or sun). I'm a whiner sometimes.

But it is usually pretty surface-based. Deep down, I just don't care that much.

This "Leaving California" thing, though.... I am feeling it deep down inside. And this kind of pain I usually don't broadcast. You would think that I would be focusing on the positive of returning to Utah: the children will be back to their schedule, Caleb will be able to go to work again, and I won't have to deal with another southern California summer with no air conditioning. But look at these pictures and tell me you wouldn't be doing some major soul-searching in order to get back to times like these.

My biggest problem is that I do not know when I will go back. There are no more high school graduations to attend, no weddings in the near future, and no events that are a Must Go. I have been living away from California for almost 10 years, and I think I am done with this portion of my life. California is in my heart and my blood; this wasn't an instance of going to a place and falling in love or enjoying the sights and sounds for a few days. At Disneyland, I got emotional in the line for the Matterhorn; tears didn't come because I love the happiest place on Earth (I do, though!) or because I could finally enjoy the summer sun. The line was long enough that I could watch the people walking by and appreciate what made them different. There were crazy hairstyles, funky accessories, incredibly amazing intellectual conversations, and so much more. I love Utah for the great qualities it has, but being a melting pot is not one of them.

I want my kids to have what I had growing up. There are communities where I am needed, and I don't think they are within the Utah state limits. I am beginning to realize that I am being homogenized from the outside in -- I am becoming Utah through osmosis! I feel like I am coming to a crossroads, which is funny because I know that I am not. What is going on in my heart is not in line with my current reality.

And speaking of reality, this post was brought to you by a dream I had during a nap today, with the theme "Keep Austin Weird." I want to go to there.


  1. Your pictures are great, Austin is the best, and the day you "become Utah" is the day pigs will fly.

    I feel you, though. Stinky heart-place to be.

  2. Ditto to Whitney, particularly about the becoming Utah part, but I also wanted to say that I feel you.

    And the boys look so big in the first picture.

  3. Just reread this, and I can definitely say from experience now that Austin is awesome! (But LA with always be like a katrillion times better :))