Thursday, April 5, 2012

Bonus Emo Rant

Be warned: I'm feeling whiny and sorry for myself over trivial things. Even with all the heavy stuff that is happening to my friends recently, I am not going to gloss over my feelings tonight. 

I'm back to posing with my face elongated.

Back in 2009, I realized that my face was so chubby that if I posed with my mouth gaping open or my tongue sticking out, I didn't look so blah. So if you check out every picture I'm in from that era, you'll see a similar face to the one that is above.

But that picture you see is from a couple weeks ago.

I am back to my highest weight; 20 pounds heavier than the day before I delivered Lucy, if that puts it into perspective for you. I am lucky that I have longer hair than my usual 'do, because I can at least tell myself that my hair looks pretty. Out of everything I see in the mirror, I have chosen to only look at that recently.

My husband Caleb has always told me that I'm pretty; even though I know that he believes it, I could have every single person in the world tell me the same thing and it wouldn't change how I feel inside. Usually I would throw up some links to where you could see me whining about the same thing or how I view myself as the good inside and the ugly outside, but I'm not going to. If you're really interested in my self-flagellation, click on the "Body Issues" label on the right hand column and go to town.

I look at myself from the end of 2009/beginning of 2010, and I see someone who was motivated by desperation. I lost 40+ pounds in nine months, and I felt fantastic. Currently, there is an air of quiet desperation looming around me again. But I can't bring myself to find that motivation once again. Self-help books, following countless tips from the Internet, gorging myself on self-affirmations and inspirational quotes. Nothing seems to be helping.

And as my ten-year high school reunion is around the corner, I find myself looking at my high school friends on facebook and thinking, "How do they look like that? How are they all so skinny and polished and glam?" I understand that it's rare to allow a bad picture of yourself on the Internet, but I think even my best pictures fall below their worst; I can't imagine what it would be like in person to saunter in and be like, "Hey! I've had two kids and look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy!" There are people I know from high school who are in similar, even busier, positions to me, and I see their casual photos in tank tops with toned arms or prominent cheek bones.

I know the grass is greener. I know that there are people who wish they could have things that I have. But in a world where beauty and "health" are ubiquitous, I would like to know where to sign up for a few months of someone else's life.

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