Thursday, September 24, 2009

I Hesitate

I'm not a dropper-inner. I appreciate those who are.

But, I am wary of making plans anymore. I've always been a flake, but now I feel so beholden to Jack's schedule that I'd rather shut myself in my house for life than disturb his afternoon nap. And I am starting to think, with all of this being in the house (unless Caleb is with me, when I feel responsible for only half a baby), that I've become the figurative 1,000 pound lady who never leaves her bed and will need a forklift to remove her dead body.

My comfort zone has rarely been stretched in my lifetime - I'm not much of a thrill-seeker. As I've gotten married and had a kid, that zone has shrunk to the 550ish square feet of my house.

I cancel plans, don't return phone calls, and apparently make little girls cry all day.

And I've always been a flake because I feel like most plans I make with friends are Pity Hangouts. That probably hasn't been true before, but now? The way I'm acting definitely doesn't make me feel deserving of any friendship.

I feel the only way I can change this behavior is too inexcusable. So, instead, I'll just slowly and subconsciously cut everyone out of my life.

1 comment:

  1. Holly, you're really not alone. I don't get out much and usually avoid doing things because it's hard to plan around little people. Sometimes I feel like I haven't left the living room floor for weeks except to go to Church and the bathroom. I even know how not wanting to talk on the phone is. I think I've become a recluse and am raising "homebodies" with my antisocial tendencies. If you need to text somebody, I'm pretty good at replying to those! I don't know if it's part of being a mom, but I feel the same way.