You Worry About the Wrong Things

 

• I need a vacation. You know, from all of the baby-playing I do and all of the fast food that I eat - a hard life!

• More than anything, I need a time to reset. My life was flipped upside down, inside out, round and round - am I really worried about a years-old swimsuit or is it really about the feeling of being out of control? Kanye's song "Paranoid" has been running through my head for weeks, and only now am I getting the message.

• A little time out might do you good 
• Might do us good, 'fore we be done for good

• I've also been doing a lot of soul-searching (not hard to do when your constant companion can't talk yet and you grow tired of TV) about what I like and what I want. Anything I've read, like Sarah Bunting's guidelines to being an adult or the 100 Hour Board's response to a question of mine, points to the larger question: When does the tide turn towards doing what is best for me? And I'm 24 years old, which is a little late to be wondering. 

• My teenage years were contorted by the usual twists of peer pressure, which I've already documented in many other places. And for every one of those crippled years, I swore to myself that I'd keep it real for the rest of my life. I'm still saying that, while slowing shaving years off my life through poor diet & exercise and shutting doors all around me one person at a time. 

• All of the time you wanna complain about the nights alone
• So now you're here with me, show some gratitude
• Leave the attitude way back at home

• I've been an ungrateful wife, a distracted mother, and a piss-poor friend.  And all I can think about are the days of yore when I never ate, never missed a party, never felt creatively stifled. Or the mundane minutia of dusty shelves and unkempt hair. Or the blunt force trauma of jealousy over photoed blog posts and ultrasounds. Is this really what I like? Is this really what I want?

• Which door do I go through to get to a happy, hand-crafted life?