909s and Heartbreaks

I've contemplated moving back to my hometown before. I spent 18 years in Redlands, CA and many of them were dang quality. This town has wonderful schools, amazing scenery, a thriving cultural scene, and beautifully historic buildings at every turn. And those don't even cover all of the memories I personally made here. Everywhere I drive around here is minutely connected to a valve in my heart, and I feel the TugTugTug that goes along with it as I pass by.

And that, my friends, might give me a heart attack if I ever put roots down in southern California soil again.

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Tonight, I avoided some heartbreak by avoiding the past that is always sneaking around here. I would have zoomed right back to red plaid sandals and an all khaki ensemble, though those things are more organically found in my Utah past. 2003 would have slapped me in the face, with all of the twitterpation and emotions that enveloped me so wildly coming right back to the forefront of my heart.

I know I'll hate myself for this later, but I am going to admit that a really good friend who happens to be an ex almost convinced me to see him tonight. He is living not even an hour away from Redlands, though I met him in South Dakota. Southern California has not agreed with him, and he's probably not going to be around next time I come home. I also have not seen him in 5 years.

But it hasn't felt that long. The passage of time would probably diminish even more, though, if I stood face to face with him again. I would be right back where we started, right back where we ended, and then right back where we started all over again.

Steve Malsam was my rebound after My First Love broke my everloving heart. I never thought I could feel so strongly about anyone as I did for that first boy, until I got to know Steve. He made me laugh, even when the jokes were so impossibly technological. There was never such a genuine, self-depracating, and easy guy as he was. Thankfully, there was also never a more infuriating, immature, or inexperienced guy as he used to be.

And that's the key phrase: used to be. How is he now?

I wanted to marry Steve with all of my being for almost three years straight. No matter who I dated in our off times and no matter how far apart we were in our on times, I knew he would make me laugh every day of our lives if I let him. The time-old difference of religions, as well as the difference in how he felt about me, almost didn't matter too. But in the end, it did. My heart isn't strong enough to have all of that come back.

I'm married now. Married with a kid. Married to a man who makes me laugh every day, but who also is someone that has everything I ever wanted. And what I really wanted never included a catechism or a mass. For awhile, though....

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