And...Exhale

I received a spam comment on my blog today, urging me to write more.

I call it spam, because it was followed by a link to HCG pills. The kick in the booty was still needed, however; I have been too wrapped up in myself to give this blog any lovin'.

So, strap in—this is going to be a long one, written much more for my cathartic benefit than for your reading enjoyment.

Family

My sister Julie (above, in the purple shirt) is leaving Utah to go to Cornell in one week. My sisters Kellie (in the white) and Shelley (in the pink stripes) are officially moving to Buenos Aires at the beginning of September. Mix those pieces of news with the fact that one of my BFFs Kelsae (of the blog Total Trainwreck) has already left Utah for Idaho, and I am a devastated panda.

My Grandpa Chatfield had this weird habit when visiting family members were leaving his house—he would vanish. We couldn't really say goodbye to him, because we couldn't even find him. My dad explained to us that my grandpa was so grief-stricken at our departure that he couldn't bear to see us off.

Guess who inherited that pesky trait?

There are also other tough things going on in my family that are tough to handle. Frankly, the only thing that assuages that pain is that we all still get along famously; each member of the family loves the other, and we all wish we could be together more. Compare that to my husband's quarreling family members, and the Chatfield troubles don't seem so bad.

Self Image

My six wedding anniversary is nigh, and I am having a crisis of self.

When I look in the mirror, at my heaviest-ever weight and my Don't Need to Impress Anyone beauty regime, I feel worthless. Even worse than my appearance is that I am feeling the physical aches and pains of being overweight; I can't ever remember being so constantly winded and completely run-down all the time. The physical ailments concern me more than the mirror aspect, but the latter is still palpable in my moments of loathing.

I also look at my life, compared to when Caleb and I first met, and wonder if I still am the girl that Caleb fell in love with. That girl was willing to try a lot more, stay up much later, and be a ton sillier than I am now. When I factor in my two young kids, my heartfelt blogging, and my constant kid-friendly adventuring, I cut myself some slack. But when faced with squabbles over eye-rolling (I just don't get all the Star Wars love!) and differing interests (I am incredibly anti-World of Warcraft [in terms of time spent v. tangible worldwide benefit]), I am concerned that I am turning into the stereotypical embittered biddy. And I'm not even 30 yet!

Generality

And of course, it's hard to feel anything but numb after things like the Colorado movie shooting happens. I found myself peering at everyone who was in the aquarium with us today—are my children safe, even if I'm around? Will people treat them the way I want them treated when I'm not around?

Jack told me today that he didn't want to go to school, because then all of his teeth would fall out; somewhere in our recent discussion of growing teeth, our wires got crossed. I would much rather him be afraid of school for that reason, than for being scared of other kids or adults he doesn't know. I have enough stranger fear for the both of us.


What I am trying to say here is: I'm feeling incredibly down. And this blog isn't a place to spread that.